I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
