your parents love me but you hate me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
