Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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