dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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