Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize