My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize