they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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