It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
