My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
