Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
