when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
