i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
