No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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