I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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