true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
two words...techno handjob
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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