hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
sex in a hospital.. check
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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