she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
