you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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