If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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