Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
