I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
