i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
