So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
