i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
