Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
