I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it's like iHOP with fire
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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