my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
