she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
