she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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