When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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