Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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