Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
