Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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