i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
