apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
