Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
