actually, I'm a sock model
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
