hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drunk is a universal language darling
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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