Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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