I think my vagina is haunted
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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