He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
How external is "for external use only"?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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