Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
