you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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