apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize