I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
