my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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