Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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