so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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