My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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