I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The uberlube is also flammable
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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