Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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