Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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