If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
