i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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