I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
