A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
