would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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