i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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