god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
