We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
