Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Randomize
