if you like me you must not know who I am
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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