You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
