i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
