When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
