my mouth tastes like poor choices
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
And then he peed in my hair
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