dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Boobs speak an international language.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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