i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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