I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Everyone says I win the strip club
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
