Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
