6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
