i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
