apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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