How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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