I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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