So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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